Departures, 26 December 2007

I entered the C-17 with a sense of dread, a sense of longing, and an overwhelming loneliness. This was my war. This had been my battle, and my men had won.

As we approached the bird, I looked at the lights of the airport and imagined the city of Baghdad. I imagined Dora, with all our friends, eagerly awaiting the next morning with hope. There may be jobs.

My future hangs heavy on my soul. When I close my eyes, I see myself as an Infantry leader. And yet, for fear of professional integrity, I feel it's time to leave. Special Forces or Civil Affairs? I later learned I wasn't eligible for either. As a Sergeant First Class with 4 years in my current rank, I exceed the time in grade window for Special Forces and as a Sergeant First Class, I wasn't eligible for Civil Affairs at all.

Civil Affairs guarantees Bragg, which puts Jessica in a position to finish her law degree.

I cannot say that badges don't matter. I'd love to get my long tab. I'd love to honor my father and, as Barry Sadler said, he'll be a man, they'll test one day, have him win, the Green Beret.

And yet, as I ponder this decision, the beginning of Troy comes as though foreshadowing an epic decision. If I go SF, I will earn my glory, but fail to achieve the normalcy of family. If I go Civil Affairs, I will impact the world to some lesser degree and perhaps actually have a modicum of family interaction.

Self-edification. The word keeps popping into my mind.